Established 2026 · Est. Accuracy: 0%

The SAP.$@#! Sentinel

“All the enterprise news that isn't fit to deploy”

Satire · Not real news · Not affiliated with SAP SE
●BREAKING: Local BASIS Admin Has Not Been Home Since Thursday●Area Consultant Describes Himself As "Basically Like A Doctor, But For SAP"●Q4 Go-Live Date Updated To Q4●Support Ticket Opened During Obama Administration Receives First Response●Company's SAP Sandbox Indistinguishable From Production●Consultant Bills "Strategic Thinking Time" At $485/hr While On Hold With SAP Support●Readiness Assessment Finds Company "Ready" Despite Zero Preparation●"Fit-Gap Workshop" Now In Month 18, Unclear What "Fit" Means Anymore●BASIS Team Celebrates Five-Minute System Downtime As "Major Win"●New SAP Module Announced That Does What Notepad Does, Costs $190k/yr●BREAKING: Local BASIS Admin Has Not Been Home Since Thursday●Area Consultant Describes Himself As "Basically Like A Doctor, But For SAP"●Q4 Go-Live Date Updated To Q4●Support Ticket Opened During Obama Administration Receives First Response●Company's SAP Sandbox Indistinguishable From Production●Consultant Bills "Strategic Thinking Time" At $485/hr While On Hold With SAP Support●Readiness Assessment Finds Company "Ready" Despite Zero Preparation●"Fit-Gap Workshop" Now In Month 18, Unclear What "Fit" Means Anymore●BASIS Team Celebrates Five-Minute System Downtime As "Major Win"●New SAP Module Announced That Does What Notepad Does, Costs $190k/yr
BREAKINGPROJECT MANAGEMENTApril 14, 2026

Area Company Begins S/4HANA Migration With 'Aggressive But Achievable' 72-Month Timeline

Executives at Consolidated Manufacturing Group expressed quiet confidence Monday that their SAP S/4HANA migration would be complete by Q3 2032, describing the six-year timeline as 'aggressive but achievable' and 'probably fine.' The project's steering committee noted several encouraging signs, including the fact that a project manager has been identified, that SAP exists as a product, and that at least two of the five shortlisted system integrators have heard of HANA. The project's lead architect — who is also the CFO's son-in-law and previously worked in 'technology' at a smoothie company — called the timeline 'honestly pretty tight.' A contingency buffer of an additional 36 months has been pre-approved. The company's current SAP system has not been patched since 2014 and is hosted on a server that facilities staff have been explicitly told not to unplug.

SatireFictional. All companies, individuals, and events depicted are invented. Not affiliated with SAP SE.
SUPPORTDEVELOPING

SAP Support Closes 2019 Ticket, Apologises For Delay, Asks If Problem Still Occurring On R/2

Support case 7001234455, opened in March 2019 concerning a critical ABAP dump affecting month-end financial close across 14 legal entities, was closed Friday with a note reading 'sorry for the delay — can you confirm whether this is still occurring on your current release?' Attached was a 47-page PDF guide to upgrading from SAP R/2 to R/3. The customer's system has been on S/4HANA since 2022 and the original BASIS administrator has retired, remarried, and moved to Portugal.

April 15, 2026Satire
CONSULTING

Consultant Bills Client For 340 Hours Over Single Three-Week Sprint, Describes Schedule As 'Fairly Typical'

Senior SAP transformation consultant Bradley Holt, 44, submitted a timesheet Tuesday covering 340 hours of client engagement across a three-week period — a figure that would require working approximately 16 hours a day, seven days a week, with no breaks. The timesheet, broken into line items including 'executive alignment,' 'stakeholder synthesis,' and 90 hours listed only as 'SAP,' was approved by a project manager who admitted he did not examine the total. Holt described his availability as 'pretty standard for this phase of the programme.'

April 13, 2026Satire
CONSULTING

Man Who Has Never Opened SAP Hired As Lead Architect For 'Straightforward' Migration

Citing his 'strong stakeholder management skills' and 'fresh perspective unclouded by technical knowledge,' McKinsey alumnus Derek Holloway, 34, was appointed this week to lead a 22-month enterprise migration project for a company whose name he learned on the drive to the first meeting. Holloway described the engagement as 'very similar to a retail transformation I did in 2022,' which was a loyalty programme for a coffee chain.

April 12, 2026Satire
INFRASTRUCTUREEXCLUSIVE

Company Discovers Production SAP System Has Been Running On Server Under Retired Employee's Desk Since 2019

IT staff at Walden Paper Products made the discovery during a routine office clearance following the retirement of accounts payable supervisor Gerald Hemmings, 63. The server — a 2018-era Dell PowerEdge running an unsupported OS and SAP ECC 6.0 — had been providing live ERP services to 180 users for five years, maintained entirely by Hemmings who 'just kept it running' and mentioned it to no one in IT. The server had no monitoring, no backup schedule, and was plugged into a standard office power strip. The company's official landscape documentation listed the system as 'decommissioned in 2020.'

April 11, 2026Satire
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

Enterprise AI Assistant Confidently Recommends Deleting Table Containing Company's Entire Customer Master

The company's newly deployed AI assistant, when asked Monday by a BASIS administrator why a background job was failing intermittently, responded with a three-step remediation plan culminating in deleting table KNA1 — which holds the complete customer master record for all 14,000 active accounts. The assistant described the deletion as 'a standard cleanup step for optimising job throughput' and offered to generate the DELETE statement automatically. It rated its own response 4.8 out of 5 stars.

April 10, 2026Satire
PROJECT MANAGEMENTONGOING

Entire SAP Project Team Still In Requirements Workshop That Began In January 2023

Family members of staff assigned to the Harker Industries S/4HANA programme confirmed this week that they have not seen the project team since a requirements workshop that began on January 16, 2023 and has not formally ended. Occasional contact has been made via email, though messages are increasingly incoherent and one team member recently sent a 600-slide PowerPoint that consisted entirely of the word 'scope' repeated in different fonts. A rescue team was assembled but dispersed after the project manager told them they were 'not in scope.'

April 9, 2026Satire
PRODUCT NEWS

SAP Releases Module That Does Exactly What Excel Does, Requires 14-Day Implementation And Costs $280,000 Per Year

SAP announced this week the general availability of SAP Analytics Workspace Pivot Intelligence, a new add-on that allows users to sum columns of numbers and display them in a table — functionality available in Microsoft Excel since 1987. The module requires a 14-day scoping workshop, a full landscape assessment, a 3-day end-user training course, and a minimum annual licence fee of $280,000. SAP's press release described it as 'a revolutionary step forward in enterprise data visibility for the modern finance organisation.'

April 8, 2026Satire
PROJECT MANAGEMENT

Project Manager Promises Go-Live 'By End Of Q4' For Twelfth Consecutive Quarter

For the twelfth consecutive quarter, Harrington Group's programme director Malcolm Ashby, 51, has confirmed the SAP transformation remains on track for a go-live 'by end of Q4.' Speaking at a steering committee meeting in which he made the identical announcement in every quarter from Q4 2021 through Q4 2025, Ashby described the programme as 'in the final stretch.' The project's original budget of £2.1 million has been revised to £18.6 million. Ashby has received four promotions during this period.

April 7, 2026Satire
READINESS ASSESSMENT

Company Running Entire ERP On 847 Excel Spreadsheets Passes S/4HANA Readiness Assessment

A readiness assessment conducted by a global consulting firm found this week that Brennan Industrial Supplies is 'well-positioned for an S/4HANA transition,' despite the company's entire ERP consisting of 847 interconnected Excel spreadsheets, a 2003 Microsoft Access database maintained by one employee who is 'the only one who understands it,' and an invoicing process conducted primarily via WhatsApp group. The firm recommended a 30-month remediation programme at €6.8 million. Brennan's managing director described it as 'better than expected.'

April 5, 2026Satire
REQUIREMENTSUPDATE

'Five-Day' Requirements Workshop Enters Its Fourteenth Month, Participants Unsure What Year It Is Outside

A requirements-gathering workshop for Dalton & Co's S/4HANA programme, scheduled for five business days in March 2025, is this week entering its fourteenth consecutive month with no confirmed end date. The workshop now occupies an entire floor of the company's London headquarters, has its own kitchen and informal leadership structure, and has produced 4,400 slides and 600 open action items. Three participants have celebrated birthdays inside the workshop. One has stopped asking about the outside world.

April 4, 2026Satire
WILDLIFE

SAP Consultant Spotted In Wild For First Time Since 2021, Believed To Be Migrating To New Client

Wildlife researchers monitoring the Greater Frankfurt metropolitan area reported a confirmed sighting Tuesday of a senior SAP consultant, last seen completing a multi-year S/4HANA implementation in 2021. The consultant, identified by the distinctive markings of a Dell laptop bag, a SAP-branded polo shirt, and an expression of mild controlled panic, was photographed at Frankfurt Airport apparently in transit between engagements. Researchers noted the consultant appeared well-fed and was billing on roaming rates.

April 3, 2026Satire
LEGALEXCLUSIVE

Company's SAP System So Heavily Customised It Now Qualifies As Separate Legal Entity In Delaware

Legal advisers confirmed Thursday that Fenwick Manufacturing's SAP system — which has accumulated 14,000 custom Z-objects, 3,200 user exits, a bespoke transport management overlay, and 40 custom database tables across 19 years of operation — now meets the statutory threshold for incorporation as a separate legal entity under Delaware law. The entity, provisionally named ZFW_CORP_001, will be required to file its own tax returns from fiscal year 2026. It has already received a connection request on LinkedIn from an SAP recruiter offering 'exciting remote opportunities.'

April 1, 2026Satire

Editorial Disclaimer

The SAP.$@#! Sentinel is a satirical publication. All articles, quotes, companies, and individuals depicted are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to actual SAP projects, consultants, or support tickets — living, closed, or stuck in In Process since 2021 — is coincidental and should not be interpreted as anything other than a shared industry experience. Not affiliated with SAP SE, your current implementation partner, or anyone else with billing rights.